his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
birth control should be required to get into college
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
