I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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