And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
