1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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