'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize