Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
