I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
