dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
