If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
