you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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