and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
