my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
