I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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