We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
