then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
