I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
