what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
