Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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