i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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