Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
