You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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