i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
