He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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