I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
