I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
