whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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