but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Houston, we have a blender
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
