my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
