Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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