Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So much rum. So many feels.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
