I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
