I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i jhust puked up my retainher.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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