Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
