I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
