There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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