mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize