i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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