I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
