Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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