mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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