I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
