So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
God, I missed his penis.
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