When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
