Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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