Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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