this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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