It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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