omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
