Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
