those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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