Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Also, beer. Big fan.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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