Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
