By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
