I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
