I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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