i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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