If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
