Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
