i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
