Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Randomize
