well I can't set my house on fire every night
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
