My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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