Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
