Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
