I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
