Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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