dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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