He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
